Taming the Monkey Mind: My experience at the 10 Day Silent Vipassana Meditation Retreat
I sat in a half lotus position with my eyes closed trying to focus my mind on my natural inhale and exhale through my nasal passages, but my mind kept slipping away. My hearing was picking up breathing sounds from people near me and even occasional belly rumblings digesting a vegetarian meal we were fed before. “Why am I even here?” kept popping up in my mind.
Me and another 25 people signed up to learn and practice meditation for the next ten days while observing Noble Silence in a somewhat remote part of Idaho.
“It’s going to be 10 exruciatingly long days of my life, and I don’t know if I will make it to the end,”- I thought and pushed the thought away trying to focus on my breath again.
In this blog I will talk about my entire 10-day experience, that ended up being a roller coaster of emotions, but also ended up being an eye opening experience and an inreaching event in my life.
Why did I decide to attend this retreat?
I knew about the benefits of meditation, or at least some of them, for a long time, but I always struggled to have a good practice routine. Plus, I felt like I needed more guidance with meditation, because I often had no clue about what I was doing. The idea of going to a remote location where I could be in silence with no responsibilities, work, chores, or anyone to take care of for 10 days sounded appealing and intimidating. Another reason was that in the past couple of years I started struggling with some anxiety, depression and insomnia. I just often felt so overwhelmed as if I was under water. I knew that a meditation practice could be very beneficial dealing with those kinds of issues. With that in mind, I decided to finally commit and signed for the course.
I actually first learned about this retreat probably about 8 years ago when I was still going to school. At that time I signed up, but once I saw the schedule I got nervous and canceled my reservation. This time around I felt ready and excited for this experience, still knowing that it would not be a walk in the park, and I still underestimated how much I would struggle.
What is Vipassana Meditation?
I have to be honest, I didn’t do enough research about this meditation technique before attending the course. All I thought is that it is just one of the meditation techniques that will help me to keep my mind present. The reality was that vipassana was much more than I expected it to be.
“Vipassana” means seeing things as they really are in nature. It is a teaching of Dhamma that was taught by Buddha himself, but it has nothing to do with Buddhism as an organized religion. At the beginning of the course we were told that in these 10 day we will start learning the Art of Living and the Mastering of the Mind. It sure sounded promising. The course was all about awareness of your own body and mind through physical sensations in the body. Buddha realised and consequently taught that all the suffering in the world comes from our mind. It is our mind that makes us relive the painful experiences even when it’s over and nothing can be done. It is our minds that make us feel overwhelmed and drunk with grief, anger and revenge, or an insatiable craving for more in order to be happy. He taught that we are constantly driven by our sensations that arise from the deepest levels of our mind. Vipassana focuses on training the mind to be equanimous and NOT reacting to any sensations painful or otherwise pleasant. Through awareness of one's own sensations comes the experience of impermanence of all things, and not just understanding of it by the conscious mind. Dhamma is taught as the “law of nature” and understanding of the mind and matter.
I will talk about my own experience as I will address my journey through these 10 days later.
About the Course
You might have an association with the word “retreat” as something relaxing, and while at the end of the 10 days I did feel more peace and relaxation, the course itself was not easy or relaxing. Vipassana course has specific rules and schedule you are to abide by and adhere to. The five precepts you promise to abide by at the beginning of the course are: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no sexual misconduct and no intoxicants. When it says “no killing” that includes pesky mosquitoes. All buildings have a “bug catcher” plastic cup and laminated piece of paper to assist with carefully moving and releasing insects outside.
Students are also asked to observe “Noble Silence” which means no verbal or non verbal communication with anyone else except your teacher or student manager in case you have questions, concerns or needs.
While both male and female students attend the course, genders are kept separately for the duration of the course. In the meditation hall female and male students have their own entrances and assigned meditation seats.
Course also has specific boundaries which students can’t leave during the course. You can’t go to your car either, and attendees are asked to bring all necessary belongings to their room before the course begins.
Students are also required to turn in their phones, which were securely stored for the duration of the course. Reading, writing, listening to music or any kind of activities is not allowed during the course.
If students already have some kind of meditation practice or religious practice/routine, they are asked to discontinue it for the duration of the course.
What is the Purpose of the Noble Silence?
Not talking for 10 days sounded appealing and intimidating to me at the same time. I was just really curious to see what would happen. The main purpose of silence is to quiet the chatter in one’s mind. Talking and conversations with others are food for our minds that are programmed to analyze and compare. Even if our conscious mind knows better than comparing our own experience to others, unconsciously we still do it, and on some levels might devop desires(craving) or fear(abortion) that create unrest and suffering. I personally thought that silence was really beneficial and helped me focus on my own experience, and it helped to quiet my mind too.
Food
Another rule is that students are not allowed to bring any food or snacks to the course.
I really enjoyed all the food we were fed at the course. All the meals were vegetarian and delicious. Breakfast was the same every day: warm oatmeal, prunes cooked with cinnamon and orange, cereal, granola, milk, yogurt, fruit, toast, peanut butter, tea bar with a variety of teas, and toppings such as sunflower seeds and ground flax seed.
Every lunch was different and a pleasant delicious surprise. I have to say that I always looked forward to lunch time. There was a salad bar available every lunch. We had soups, stews, cooked vegetables, mexican lasagna, desserts and much more. I was tempted to eat more at first because there was no dinner and food was really good, but I felt my body adjust in a couple of days and I ate just the right amount. I didn’t feel hungry because of the lack of dinner. Instead of dinner there was a tea bar, and new students could also eat some fruit.
Course Schedule:
4am - Alarm bell
4:30am-6:30am - Meditate in the hall or in your own room.
6:30am-7:45am - Breakfast
8am-9am - Group meditation in the hall
9am-11am - Meditate in the hall or in your room according to teacher’s instructions
11am-12pm - Lunch
12pm-1pm - One on one question time with a teacher or rest time
1pm-2:30pm - Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30pm-3:30pm - Group meditation in the hall
3:30pm-5:00pm - Meditate in the hall or in your room according to teacher’s instructions
5:00pm-6:00pm - Tea break
6:00pm-7:00pm - Group meditation in the hall
7:00pm-8:15pm - Daily evening video discourse my Mr. Goenka
8:30pm-9:00pm - Group meditation in the hall
9:00pm- Questions with the teacher (optional)
9:30pm- Lights out, rest
Where does the course take place?
There are Vipassana meditation centers all around the world. The first Vipassana meditation centre was established in India by Mr. Goenka, who was a Vipassana student himself first, and later became a teacher. All the teaching of meditation and daily discourses are still done by Mr Goenka through recorded audio and video even though he passed away in 2013. I became really fond of this humble and simple man with a great sense of humor through those video recordings. I am grateful that he started establishing such meditation centres. Other meditation centers around the world were established by old students and teachers using donation money.
Only old students are able to donate money after completing the 10 day course. This 10 day course is donation based, and you can donate money or service time after completing the course.
Meditation center I attended is located just outside of Lava Hot Spring, Idaho. It is a very new center and some buildings such as the dining hall and meditation hall are temporary. They are planning to develop and build better and bigger facilities in the future. Regardless, I was extremely grateful for the buildings they already had, because they were comfortable and functional. In fact, residential quarters were brand new and very nice. Before they had these buildings constructed students were sleeping in tents.
Now they have 2 -3 student occupancy rooms with a bathroom. Because of the pandemic occupancy was limited to one person per room, which I felt very lucky about as it was easier to maintain Noble Silence in solitude.
There are also some walking paths right outside the residence building. I used all spare time walking outside, as fresh air and movement helped a lot after hours of meditation inside.
Now that you have an idea of what the course was all about and the structure of it, I wanted to also share my personal experience that was a roller coaster of emotions, thoughts, and personal revelations throughout the 10 days.
Day 0
Even though it’s a 10 day course, those days don’t include the arrival and departure. On day 0 the arrival was between 2-5pm. Once I arrived, there was a check in area in the dining hall, where the student manager walked me through the course rules, schedule, and assigned me a room. After the check I took my belongings to the room, made my bed and got myself comfortable in what would be my home for the next 10 days.
We were still able to meet and talk to other students, as the Noble Silence was going to start later that evening. Students were also treated to their last dinner, and we were asked to turn our phones in to be securely stored away. After dinner all students gathered outside of the meditation hall and were assigned their seat for the rest of the course. We had our first meditation sitting, and after that the Noble Silence officially began. We retired to our rooms in silence.
Day 1
All the excitement and positive vibes about this experience that I had the day prior evaporated. I didn’t sleep well because I found the foam mattress too thin and uncomfortable, and I wasn’t used to the 4 am wake up bell and early meditation. So those things alone affected my mood. As the day went on my mind was doubting my decision of coming to this retreat. “This was the worst decision of my life,”- I thought. If there was something to criticise and doubt about this experience, my mind did it. Plus, my back and shoulders progressively became more and more in pain. It felt like day one was lasting an eternity, and I couldn’t imagine spending another 9 days like that. It was definitely one of the hardest days of the course for me, and it took a good amount of reason to remind myself of all the benefits of meditation, and why I was there.
For the first 4 days students actually do Anapana Meditation technique which is to prepare them for Vipassana Meditation. Students are asked to focus on breath and a small triangular area around the nose.
That evening I saw other students get seats for back support, so I did the same. My back was in tremendous pain after hours of sitting upright because of my abdominal separation. In fact, it’s okay to get comfortable as you are not required to suffer in pain.
Daily video discourse was great that evening, and it answered my questions and doubts and helped to calm my mind.
I also took the foam mattress from the unoccupied bed in my room and slept great that night.
Day 2-3
We kept practicing Anapana Meditation technique that focused on the sensations of inhale and exhale within the small triangular area around the nose, with the bottom of the triangle being the upper lip.
Each group meditation started with a recorded chanting by Mr. Goenka, which I found weird at first because it was in Pali and I couldn't understand it. He does it just to set the mood and positive vibes and eventually I got used to it and actually enjoyed it.
Progressively, the schedule started to become easier for me, and a good night of sleep put me in a better mood. My mind started to give in and accept the reality that I am going to spend the next very slow nine days in a place that felt like a nice prison where I put myself voluntarily. I still had doubt and skepticism about this experience but it became less and less as the time went on.
It was an interesting experience just to be aware of my mind and my thoughts though. I’ve never done it before. I was taught to take care of my body, but I was never taught what to do with my mind. I started to notice more how complex my mind was through these observations. It might be obvious to some people, but I never realised the interplay of the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind. This thing alone was a revelation of a lifetime for me. Like what? I think my mind is just...well mind. I am the one in charge of my mind, the one in the driver’s seat. Right? But now that I was more aware of my mind, it didn’t feel like I was in charge, at least not all the time. “I guess that is the reason I am here,”-I told myself.- “to tame my wild monkey mind.”
Day 4
I started to feel truly grateful for this experience and the meditation center. My mind was feeling more clear, and I felt like I started to connect the dots for myself in regards of how my mind functioned. I could identify the roots of my anxiety, and bad habits I had when I would get sucked up in the spiral of negative thoughts, many of which were a construct of my mind and were not necessarily the truth. Isn’t that crazy? I recognized that I would often paint potential negative future eventualities and get anxious and agitated because of those thoughts. I have to mention that even by doing the simple Anapana meditation, I was able to keep my mind more present, and I felt more relaxed and peaceful. My mind and body felt more rested. At this point I was already starting to see the benefits of the meditation practice.
That evening we were also introduced to Vipassana meditation, which would officially start on day 5.
Day 5
On this day we started the Vipassana meditation which focuses on the sensations throughout the body. We were asked to focus on sensations starting from the top of the head and moving part by part down the body. I really struggled and it made me frustrated. Before this day I didn’t feel the need to talk or ask questions to the teacher. But on this day, I needed to talk and get additional motivation. My mind was having a really hard time grasping subtle sensations, and it was also getting bored by doing the same task over and over again. My mind also wanted to stay longer and focus on more intense sensations of pain, but we were instructed to keep moving our focus and remain equanimous towards any kind of sensations. The main focus of this practice is to train the mind not to react and develop feelings of desire(craving) or rejection(abortion) towards pleasant or unpleasant sensations. As I did it over and over again, I got to experience impermanence as the sensations were constantly changing. I was able to observe the mind-body connection and interplay. Our thoughts and emotions don’t just stay in our head. We often push them down and bury them on the deepest level of our mind, and they also manifest themselves in our bodies. I carry all the stress and tension in my shoulders and neck. I realised that even when I thought I was relaxed and worry free, my shoulders would still be tense. After 10 days of meditation I felt my shoulders relax and let go of tension. During my meditation sessions my shoulders would often pulsate and feel on fire, and we were taught that it’s not a bad thing. Contrary, the body is pulling up old “knots” and tensions and working them out that way. Doesn't that sound just crazy? I have to say that this experience blew my mind.
Also, some other things to mention about the Vipassana technique is that students are asked NOT to move during one hour long group meditations, keep the eyes closed, and sit upright, though you can use a back support if needed.
The interview with the teacher was great that day. I already knew what she was going to tell me, but I still needed to hear it from someone else. It’s always hard to develop a skill at the very beginning, but as you keep going it gets easier. That’s pretty much what she told me. I made a lot of analogies with physical exercise in my mind to explain things to myself and stay diligent about this new practice. Somehow that helped me.
Day 6-9
On day six I started to feel that I was getting a hang of this technique and it started improving from there. Of course, every meditation session would still be different and some were better than the other. Whenever I would feel sleepy, that would really compromise my focus and awareness of sensations in my body. So I would try to get a little nap whenever possible.
I also enjoyed walks outside every day. I would do several laps after breakfast, after lunch and after tea break. These walks helped to energize me and keep me more alert.
While it did get easier, I was still missing my daughter and thoughts about things I would do when this course will be over would constantly creep into my mind.
Daily video discourses by Mr. Goenka in the evening were highlights of each day for me. I really enjoyed them, and I felt that they were on point about answering my questions and concerns.
As the days progressed we were told to scan the body top to bottom and bottom to top. After that we were asked to sweep the entire body top to bottom and bottom to top whenever there were uniform sensations/vibrations throughout the body, and then go back to scanning part by part again. I enjoyed it more this way, as it added more variety to the practice.
Day 10
The final day finally arrived and I couldn’t be happier about it. While I was grateful for this experience and everything I learned, I was also happy that it was almost over. We did our group meditation after breakfast and Noble Silence was lifted. We could finally talk! It felt so strange at first, and I wasn’t too eager to start talking right away. I have to say that I actually enjoyed silence and not talking throughout the course.
But sharing our experiences and thoughts from the past 10 days was great. There was a sense of connection between us even if we really didn’t know each other. All of the participants finished the entire course and nobody left, which was great.
Most students had a great experience even if it was very challenging at times, but some struggled for the entire 10 days. That being said, it might not be a great idea to attend the course if you just came out of a difficult event/struggle in your life and your emotions are very raw. Everyone is different of course, but it is something to consider.
It was interesting to see how talking did actually affect subsequent meditation sessions that day, because I definitely had a harder time to focus my mind.
The last discourse talked about continuation of the practice, once we resume our regular lives. Mr Goenka was good about setting up realistic expectations, and said that changes will be subtle at first as we will continue to meditate daily. For 10 days we lived like monks, but the real vipassana practice will begin once we leave the meditation center and apply it to our everyday life.
Day 11
We had our last group meditation and discourse at 5am. After that we had breakfast, and had time to clean our rooms. Students could also volunteer to help with different cleaning tasks such as doing the dishes, taking out the garbage and cleaning main buildings.
After completing the 10 day course, “new students” become “old students”. Old students are able to donate money, resources or service time. You can also attend this course again as an “old student”, or come and serve at the course. Teachers, people that cooked, served, cleaned and managed were volunteers.
I felt a deep sense of gratitude for everyone who made this course happen. It’s a rare opportunity to be in a place where you can focus solely on meditation and mastering your own mind.
PRACTICING after the Course
Now that I am back to my regular life, it has been very challenging to meditate one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. My meditation practise is far from perfect or consistent, but I keep trying because I can already see the benefits from it. I hope that you will find this blog helpful in case you consider attending a Vipassana retreat. I am so glad that I did it, and I would definitely recommend others to attend it too.
Some of the most important mountains to climb and journeys to take are those within.
About Me
Hi, My name is Natasha Moon. I am a blogger, photographer, traveler and an adventure mom. I consider nature and experiences in the outdoors to be a much needed therapy for me and my family. I hope you can find inspiration and motivation on my blog.
